everyone is single if you try hard enough
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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