I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Randomize
