You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Is it because I queefed?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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