I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
