I'm sorry my penis didn't work
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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