I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
