yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
