That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
