i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
