You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
