I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
