call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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