everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
