I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
