My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
