oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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