i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
