Jerry, you need to find god
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
