i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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