i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
