I could have mohawked her pubes.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
