proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
don't judge my taste in strippers
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
