the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
