: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
