3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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