We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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