My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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