Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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