So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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