I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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