I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
