I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
