I just saw a hot homeless man
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
