Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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