New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
