make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
