either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
