I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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