i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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