cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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