I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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