Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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