that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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