I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
