now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
