so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Randomize
