I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
