The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
