I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
