Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize
